I thought about it. You were hurtful, but you were right. I have felt that way for as long as I can remember, except well, maybe in slightly different wording. Most days it's neither good nor bad. Perhaps mostly slightly bad, but then again this is based on the premise that it takes very little to make me feel like I had a bad day. When it's slightly bad, I drift about doing my daily activities, sitting down at the end of the day to wonder what is the meaning of it all, and I cry before I go to sleep. Some days it's good. I know the day is going to be good when I get small doses of happiness, good luck and kindness - a stranger says thank you and smiles brightly, a little old lady has a pleasant exchange with me, I don't wait long at any traffic lights, no one steps on the back of my shoe causing it to slip out and me to hobble awkwardly for a few seconds, little things like that. I feel like the world is beautiful and I can do anything I want. I go out and do something fun, I make plans for the short term future. I want to do many things and I feel good about everything around me. Then some days everything just crashes and falls. I seriously question the meaning of everything that I do, I question the meaning of my life. I question myself - I question why I have never been told that it is good or good enough. Why a teacher would ask me what I wanted to be and spend all day giving reasons as to why I could not be, and ask me why I cried if I did not feel it was the truth, and tell me he foresaw depression (the fuck). Why friends would bring others down on a regular basis. Why my mother can't understand why I cry. These days I don't even want to get out of bed, and I don't want to do anything because there is nothing I can do that will bring comfort. Emo songs are great. But most days I just float along. Most days I just get grumpy when I'm tired, I don't like talking too much, I don't sing because I don't feel anything. I grouse about a few things, then I stop because they are just passing feelings. I feel sorry, then I feel hopeful. Then maybe the next day I feel sorry that I even felt hopeful and it all starts again. I wish I could be more passionate about things, I wish that everyday of my life, but I know you probably won't understand.